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It is important to get up to speed quickly at your new place of work. And not just the nitty gritty of professional office work, those bastards called colleagues/bosses are not the most wonderful sometimes, you were employed like last week but you can feel it in your bones that this your colleague is trying to ruin you, you ponder and wonder whether your father stole their family land or impregnated his mother because this beef feels like a generational feud that has been raging for decades.

It is not your imagination, that other colleague is trying to mess you up. . He thinks you can’t just come only yesterday  and be feeling yourself. You want to smartest or funniest? He rubbishes you.

There is this one that wants to use friendship to kill you, but how can someone share the lunch you brought from home with you on the second day of resumption ehn? Is that one not Natty? Where is her home training? She will beg you something each time and by Thursday, which is only day four, she wants you to borrow her ten thousand to fix a family issue. I just started work kwanu, is that how you people used to do it?

Then, there is this one who was dissing madam like it is going out of fashion, he even told you straight up, “Whose side are you on, Madam or Ours?” Haba! You have been here only two days, let them give you space to decide, whooosia! But same man sees madam and starts licking her bum without restraints, this guy composes a bloody Oriki even. And all your colleagues who think she is a fat, bitter, angry sloth joins and forms a choir.

Oh Lawd have Mercy! But when you are about to give up and fly out the window, this one person flashes you a smile.

Later, she drops a note on your desk, “Don’t get carried away, be you” Haaaaaaaa! Kindred Spirit, God Sent, Special One, your friend… Then you hear her voice in the Conference Room the next day you decide to stay until 7pm, you proceed to tell her you appreciate her note but you hear another voice and it doesn’t sound like just normal talk, maybe they are praying, excepting not to God. They prey on each other…

At least all your “only friend” is doing is shagging Mr. Abbey, not hurting anybody. You can’t be sure if anyone of them is married, in this office nobody wears a ring.

Remember you are new here so you slept for three hours, beat traffic and come back before dawn the next day, you move straight to the conference room, you want to get plenty work done before others come, but there you meet the colleague who had said “Don’t get carried away, do you” been carried away in a hot romp being done by someone else. Edakun! Did they sleep here? You want to ask but it is not even Mr. Abbey from yesterday.

Because you are not a morning person, it takes a while before it finally registers that you should get out. You do, they come out but you are wondering where will someone even sit in that conference room again that has not been violated? No wonder they use to talk nonsense there.

By lunchtime, she drops a note, “Just before you tell everyone, NOBODY HOLY PASS!” Yekpa! She scowls at you every time, you think she is spreading hate messages about you, you are right.  This is not a workplace anymore, it is freaking Benghazi.

I wanted to run off but lemme be kind enough to tell you that according to research, no matter who you are, you need someone to help you get up to speed with that aspect of work and it is not found in memos, your colleagues, your boss and the company’s

A week after I started working at a previous office, one of the drivers took me to the market and gave me a tour of the city. The chatty guy would go ahead to give me details on almost all the members of the staff. He had something on everyone from management to gateman.

“These three women, na dem hold this place, forget those men, dem no get levels.

“You see this one, she go do like say she like you, her friendship no dey lass,

“You see this one, she no like anybody, just work ya work

“This one, she go study you, if she like you, nobody fit touch you for this place”


I worked there a year and some and I am seriously considering adding the title “Prophet” to the plenty fond names I have for him.

All the people you ignore and treat like trash are the only folks who can help you in this department, the cleaners, the drivers, the gatemen, the office assistants and errand people.

See, I just gave you another reason to be nicer to people.

Did this make sense to you?

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